That Darn Phone

My morning routine had always been to have my cup of tea and scroll through all my social media accounts as well as check what was happening online. During this pause, I am limiting myself to checking email once in the mornings, that is it for the day. Unless I am posting, I am not on social media at all. (And no cheating!)

As I sit here, I can feel the tug of my hands wanting to pick up the phone. I have to keep it close by, as sometime this month I am going to be a grandmother, and I notice the urge to move and wondering where that comes from. My mind is used to the routine, and is looking for the stimulus from the pictures, the topics, and the headlines. At this moment, I am aware that I am content, happy and at ease. As hard as I try, I know that if I pick up the phone and begin to scroll, I put that all at risk and I wonder for what? When I think of it in those terms why would I change this pleasant peaceful moment? How strong our addictions can be.

I see it play out for me as I look for something to do instead of entertaining myself with my phone. Although it is peaceful, I also am anxious about what to do next. I find myself pacing the kitchen deciding whether I should start something, moving, wanting to create my to do list and fill it with items I can later cross off. My awareness practice allows me to see and feel the pushes and pulls of my mind trying to figure out this new schedule. Through it all I am the silent observer watching it play out and not reacting to the urges and noticing how strong they can be.

I also feel a sense of strength that comes from not being yanked around and just reacting to stimulus and urges. To be truly deciding and being aware of what I want to do. A sense of calm begins to arise as I feel that the more I let go, the more at peace I feel.

Now I will wait for my hot cereal to cook and sit quietly while I sip my tea.